US—Ashton Kutcher cautioned his Twitter followers not to make any assumptions about his marriage assuaging the public with a well-timed photo-op showing him wearing his wedding band.

“Guys,” he tweeted, “we’re cool. Bruce is cool and Demi is cool.” Then launched into a promotional stream of texts about a tiny camera. 

The Internet world breathed a collective sigh of relief as rumors were annihilated in the span of 457 characters, collectively. 

“Aw, you guys are so cute! Don’t let them get you down!” a concerned citizen name @ashluv4199 barfed out to her followers. A similar stream of support and well-wishing followed for the better part of six hours. 

A lonely re-tweet about a father of six, also named Ashton Kutcher, dying of pancreatic cancer flittered into existence and quickly submitted to the avalanche of celebrity-related hashtagging. 

“It’s too bad,” cancer-ridden Ashton Kutcher said, “I’m having a fund-raiser today at Cal’s Rib Shack and this is really going to put a damper on the turn-out.” 

As if on cue, sick-and-dying Ashton Kutcher’s phone bleeped in acknowledgement of a Twitter mention. Kutcher’s eyes lit-up, the last glimmering hope of a dying man, his eyes deep-set, dark, serious, filling with salty fluid. 

“We luv you so much!” he read aloud, before realizing the @ had been a typo; the hashtag following: #ashdemi4lyfe

“Oh,” he said, screwing his face into a fruitless defense against bawling.