LOS ANGELES—The family of a 67-year-old Lake Hughes man celebrated his return Friday after he plunged off the side of a mountain while driving through the Angeles National Forest, then survived for six days eating bugs and leaves and drinking creek water.

The man was noticeably agitated when questioned about his spirits, stating to reporters on the scene, “I’m 67, motherfuckers. Do you think I need your help? I was living on bugs and creek water when you were in diapers.” 

The 67-year-old trashed and clawed at rescuers attempting to tie him into a cot, biting one on the elbow and spitting in the face of an intern. His ’78 Cutlass Supreme smoldered in a twisted ball of metal and wildlife nearby. 

The sun was setting and all the colors of the rainbow spread across the cliffside, something the man was not fond of. 

“I hate rainbows,” he spat. “Just leave me alone.” 

His wife expressed relief when notified about the rescue. 

“Oh, they found him? That’s nice. Would you boys like some lemonade?” 

The reporters drank lemonade on the porch and smoked in silence. A stray cat rounded the corner of the porch and rubbed its body against the leg of a wooden rocking chair. 

“Aw, nice kitty,” the reporter said, bending over to pet the wild animal. It clawed his hand; drawing blood. “Fuck!”

“When was the last time you had a tetanus shot?”  

“Fuck if I know,” he said, gripping his hand. “I don’t have insurance.” 

Days later his jaw would begin to lock-up which he would attribute to his dependence on nicotine gum.