MIDWEST—President Obama continues to have trouble in Pennsylvania and Ohio as a majority of voters in those battleground states said that he does not deserve to be reelected, according to two Quinnipiac University polls released on Wednesday.

“QUINN-E-PEE-ACK?” the President enunciated incredulously as he contorted his face into what reporters are calling ‘utter disgust’. “That’s a real place? Really?” 

The President, from the podium, then tweeted a link to his speech on racism and asked for a beer. 

Not twenty miles away, a man with questionable hygiene was filming himself for another Youtube post in a David Duke election t-shirt. “We need to take back this country from the Muslim dictator, Barack Osama Bin Laden.” 

One of the feral cats squatting in the man’s living quarters peed on a dusty copy of ‘George W. Bush - Faith in the White House’, a gift from a fellow racist. Unaware of the pee (the house already heavy with that particular scent), a cosmic link, perhaps brought on by the cat’s refusal to respect anything, opened a sub-conscious door in the man’s mind. He drifted into silence, then mumbled the quintessential line from the DVD, “No one spends more time on his knees than George W. Bush.” He stopped recording and went to the kitchen. 

Pots and pans, crusted with various kinds of mac & cheese, filled the sink and spilled over onto the counter. He grabbed the last can of caffeine-free soda and went to the porch. 

“These fuckin’ negroes,” he spat along with a corn-syrupy ball of phlegm—simultaneously acknowledging his anger and restrained language. 

The cat, mustering something deep within, peed again.