CHICAGO—Local man, and generally nice guy, Ryan McCarthy just ate that fucking week-old cookie that had been taunting him for the better part of an hour. 

“It’s loaded with preservatives,” he told no one/the dog, as if the ‘freshness’ was the issue and not his recent heroic efforts to become a fat piece of shit. 

The dog, noticing that there was no longer any object being stuffed into McCarthy’s face, retreated to her luxuriously-appropriated recliner as bed. 

Mr. McCarthy then smoked a cigarette to eliminate any mouth-odor associated with cookie eating and sat down at his computer to waste more of his life before further wasting would be accomplished playing video games.