TEXAS—Frontrunner Rick Perry, the most popular target for attack aside from President Obama, woke up with some bruises Friday morning at his Texas compound after fending off pointed jabs from his Republican presidential primary competitors the night before. 

“I will fucking kill everyone,” Perry told reporters as he dramatically removed the ice-pack from his eye, leaned back in his rocking chair, placed his legs on the table (sweatpants: his favorite red ones), and took a big suck on the pink, swizzle straw positioned, appropriately, in his bloody mary. 

Gun shots echoed in the distance. The sound of one-hand-clapping skidded to a thud against the stucco. The reporters looked sheepishly at the ground, synchronistically toeing nothing before walking away in an orderly and altogether humble line. Gov. Perry tried to adjust his legs and spilled a bit of the bloody mary on his “A & M” t-shirt. 

“Fuck.” 

“‘Nita!” He bellowed; spilling more of his drink. “Fuck!” 

The red beverage had formed an uneven line along the maroon lettering. Perry noticed the differences between the reds.